7:53 PM: AOL Instant Messenger makes you fucking retarded.

As I sit here, talking to people on AIM, I've come to a realization:

AOL Instant Messenger makes you stupid.

After seeing people type "lol wtf brb bbl ttyl hugz n kisses! buh bye bbq wwjd ats afk loflmfao roflmfao rofl hehe yay!!!11one391`!!1typo!!21 etc." for nearly three years, it's started to creep into my typing...i've seen this happening to other people, and now it's happening to me. cruel, cruel irony...

a sampling of the away messages currently featured on my buddy list right now:

1. Hey I am *MOOO* sorry as i was saying *MOOO* God shut up!!! Dang, any way as i was trying to *MOOO* Shut the (beep) up! For Pete's sake can't you see I'm trying to do my the *MOOO* thats it come here you little (beep) i'm gonna beat the (beep) day lights out ya! *MOOO* Sorry i'm back now as i was saying...I am not here right now i am trying to do my homework
*MOOOOOOOO (beep) *

What the hell? shut the fuck up, jay.

2-6. I am away from my computer right now.

How original, dumbasses.

7. I'm at work. Leave a message.

Noone gives a shit where you are. Turn your away message off. And then die.

8. rollin through the dirty at a slow pimps pace...

[Comment edited because the guy who had this away message threatened to beat my ass if I don't edit it, and though he probably wouldn't do it, i'm a fuckig pussy when it comes to being threatened with violence. so sorry, fans, you'll just have to think up your own homoerotic quip to go here]

9. studyin on the porch, stop by

This and the "call me on my cell, i'm outie" away messages are by far the most pathetic. There's no way in hell I'm going to stop by and visit you just because you told them too. Unless you're name's Dick Chong or some shit like that, and I'm really bored/loaded.

10. ok so im doing something fun and you are sitiing at your computer looking at away messages talking to friends basically doing what i was doing before i got pop-u-lar it is a special kind of fragience that draws the beautiful people to you i.e. popular friends!! so if you call right now within the next 15 min. well give you 2 "yes thats right 2 " bottles of pop-u-lar and youll be on your way to smelling good and having friends "THE MAKER OF THIS COMERCIAL RUSS PARTEN IS NOT POPULAR IN ANY WAY AND DOSE NOT WISH TO BE THANKS FOR YOUR TIME AND MONEY"

I didn't even take the time to read this, since my brother wrote it, which automatically makes it homosexual. Quit typing out long freaking away messages, stupid. Yeah, I'm talking to you, russ. what are you going to do, tell mommy? well guess what...mommy died. She talked back so I had to put her in her place.

11. "dancing with myself"

I hope he's talking about masturbating, because the brutal honesty will score a few cool points (or at least assign a few less "dumb bitch" points) for him. If he's not, well....+5 db points.

12. out like kobe, call it

what the fuck is "it?" do you really think all your super-cool friends are really going to be able to figure out that "it" means cell phone? I'm assuming the silence emitting from my computer screen right now means no.

13. "What are the chances of a guy like you and a girl like me...ending up together?" -"Not good." -"Not good like one in a hundred?" -"I'd say more like one in a million." -"So you're telling me there's a chance!!! YEAH!"

Husband! Wait a minute...What was all that one in a million talk!

Ooooooh, a quote from a movie everyone's already seen 50 goddamn times. how original! shut the fuck up and die.

14. gone to the fireworks, call da cell if you want to talk or join me! thanks -*****


I must have missed the part where I give a shit where the hell you are. Please cease living, now.

good god, i'm surrounded by autistic wiggers...

15. would anyone like to join me in saying "shut the fuck up mathew parten, no one gives a fuck what you think."

you wanted an original away message? there you go, shit-face.

You forgot the question mark, gilbert, but besides that, this is the best fucking away message since whenever I last put one up. If at all possible, I'd like everyone on my buddy list's away messages to center around me from now on. kthxbye.