9:52 PM: There's no need for "hilarious" bloopers and outtakes during the credits of Schindler's List, you say?..Well, try telling that to "Dr." Phil.

While writing this paper for debate, I managed to turn the "funny" on, and think that I came up with a pretty good argument for Mr. T, and against Dr. Phil. See for yourself, and tell me what you think. Negative comments are welcome (Zac).

Matthew Parten
8/25/03
Encomium and Vituperation


Mr. T

Mr. T, born Lawrence Turead, perfectly, perhaps majestically, embodies all of the qualities of Encomium. Born in an underground sewer sometime between 1950 and 1982, and raised by rats, Mr. T learned the values of hard work, respect, and selflessness quite early in life. Throughout Mr. T’s life, he has accomplished many great things: helping raise his 11 brothers and sisters despite the fact that they were rodents, graduating from Harvard College Magna Cum Laude, working for NASA for more than 20 years designing spaceships and helping to maintain international peace throughout the galaxy. He was also a bouncer for the stars, a personal body guard for Ronald Reagan (after he was shot), and an actor in many movies and television shows such as The A-Team and Rocky III (for which he received an Oscar). All in all, Big T has led a pretty productive life.
Mr. T is of course of Dutch descent, and grew up under the inner city of Chicago (literally). Not much is known about his real family, but his adoptive family was sold to a pet store sometime in 1963. Their whereabouts are unknown. Mr. T claims that they taught him every thing he knows, but that seems impossible, seeing as that they were FREAKING RODENTS.
Mr. T graduated magna cum laude from Harvard college in 1963, at the age of 11, with a masters degree in space stuff. He was then recruited by NASA to assist in the secret plan to blow up the moon, during the red scare in ‘65. After that plan was aborted, he mostly designed spaceships, rockets, and bicycles.
Perhaps Mr. T’s greatest achievement came in 1989, when he finally convinced the Soviet Union and U.S. to stop their “jibba jabba” and tear down the Berlin wall, effectively ending the cold war. He was Bush’s personal body guard at the time. It only took him 10 minutes to convince both sides to concede and compromise, a world record for political negotiation to this day. He later said that seeing the children of East Berlin’s sad faces made him “determined to tear that (sic) down.” Gorbachev noted afterward that Mr. T’s “bulging biceps, beautiful abs, and superior physical strength” made him decide to concede to the U.S.’s demands.
Mr. T also gave $10 billion dollars to the AIDS relief fund in Africa, simply because he ran out of gold hot plates to buy. Talk about a nice guy!
When you compare Mr. T to someone like Satan, he really comes out sparkling. For one, Mr. T hasn’t manipulated, killed, and eternally damned billions of humans, got his (sic) kicked by God, or committed any felonies. Plus, Mr. T is a practicing Ultra-Orthodox Jew, as well as a Buddhist. What’s Satan? Probably a Satanist. Worshiping yourself makes you a pompous prick. Mr. T wins.
If you’re ever in a social situation where you feel forced to drink or smoke something you don’t want, remember what Mr. T says: Weed comes from rat crap (trust him on this one, he knows), and Beer is for suckas. He wants you all to know that he pities the fool who do drugs. So do I, Mr. Turead, so do I...

Dr. Phil

Dr. Phil, formerly known as Dr. Jack Kevorkian, is not a good man. Besides killing almost an entire race of people, he has added gallons upon gallons of fuel to the feminazi’s fire, committed 27 felonies, including destruction of property (with a burning cross, if you know what I mean), is the first Non-Catholic to be excommunicated from the Catholic Church in modern history, and dislikes kittens. You don’t want to be associated with this man for any reason, ever.
“Dr.” Phil got his “doctorate” degree at Devris Institute, in VCR repair in 1987, at the age of 35. Before that he worked as a pizza delivery boy in Austin, Texas, earned money various (illegal) ways to make ends meet, and was a presidential advisor to one Richard Nixon. His father resides in the Ft. Worth County Jail, where he has lived since 1965, the year Dr. Phillip C. McGraw was born. His mother, Francis McGraw, has worked as a stripper, hooker, and elementary school teacher, and has been estranged from Dr. Phil since 1992 (the year she became an elementary school teacher). He is of Aryan descent, and loves his homeland with a passion.
Again, Dr. Phil’s only “instruction” came during 2 years at Northwest Dallas High School, and later at The Devris Institute of Technology. He also took a correspondence course at Ft. Worth County Community College, earning a welding certificate that hangs in his office to this day. In 1995, Oprah Winfrey, the popular television personality, saw Phil on the street, selling oranges outside of Barney’s and took him under his wing. After some engineering, radiation treatments, and biogenetical mutating, she turned Phil into the Dr. Phil that you know and hate today. Pretty interesting that he fails to mention that in any of his self help books and memoirs..
Perhaps Dr. Phil’s most disgusting abuse of power came in 1993, when, while a key grip on the set of Schindler’s list, almost convinced Steven Spielberg to add “hilarious bloopers” that he had caught on tape to the end credits of the movie. Thankfully, Ralph Fiennes convinced Spielberg that it may not be the proper movie for that kind of comedy. Determined and ticked off, Phil stalked Spielberg around L. A. For 3 months until, finally, he was shot down by security guards while trying to get into the bank of America’s vault, which Spielberg was studying in preparation for a new heist flick he was going to direct. He was in the hospital for less than an hour after the shooting took place, but he learned never to bother Steven Spielberg again.
That’s when he started taking his anger out on other men, by posing as a doctor and telling old, uptight, incredibly controlling women that they are always right, and that everything that goes wrong in their relationship is entirely the husband’s fault. For this, he gets paid millions to sit on his butt all day, eat cheeto’s, play video games, and spend an hour every week day yelling such classic quotes as “you just don’t get it..do you?” to men.. Ask yourself this California..do you want this kind of man as your next governor?
We can only be fooled by this poor excuse for a man for so long..it’s time for the truth to come out.