12:44 PM: I win every argument/solve every problem you can think of in this post.

Pregnancy/abortion/etc.: Don't have sex, and you won't have to worry about it.

Racism: I'm willing to bet you can name many people of your own race that you despise.

Animal rights: Who cares? So what if an animal becomes extinct? It's not the end of the world.

Homosexuality: Poo comes out the butthole.

Patriotism: Be an individual. Don't make a sweater out of the American flag.

Illegal immigrants: Get a job that actually requires an education and you don't have to worry about your menial labor tasks being "stolen."

War on Iraq: Zzzzzzzzzzz... *snore*

The grammatically challenged: People whose native language is not English can speak better English than you. Ha ha, you're a dumbass.

Murder: Don't get stabbed, don't become a drug dealer, don't go to Drake after 4 p.m. Don't kill people, and, most likely, you won't be killed.

Global Warming: Turn on your air conditioning, stop whining, and remember how you complained all through winter about how cold it was when summer comes around.

Communism: Don't move to a communist country. It's not your problem.