10:09 AM: But..I...I thought it was just a movi---AHhhh!!!!!! MY EYES!!!!

A few review caplets for Dr. Seuss' The Cat in the Hat:

"An abomination, impure and simple."
Joe Morgenstern, the Wall Street Journal

"Like being run over by a garbage truck that backs up and dumps its load on top of you. It's a sloppy and vulgar burlesque, one of the most repulsive kiddie movies ever... aggressively unpleasant... With his genius comic radar, Myers must have sensed the slant was wrong but couldn't turn back. Even under all that hair you can detect the expression of someone flapping his arms to keep a lead balloon aloft... The movie's grim subtext is the wreck of [co-star Alec] Baldwin's career - how puffy he looks, and how he never manages to rise above his material."
David Edelstein, Slate

"A vulgar, uninspired lump of poisoned eye candy that Universal has the temerity to call Dr. Seuss' The Cat in the Hat."
AO Scott, New York Times

"If the producers had dug up Ted Geisel's [Dr Seuss's] body and hung it from a tree, they couldn't have desecrated the man any more."
Ty Burr, Boston Globe

"Charmless, pointless and all but witless adaptation, with even less charisma than that flesh-eating virus of holiday films, 2000's How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Take someone you hate... Perhaps the worst holiday movie ever made."
John Anderson, Newsday

"'It is fun to have fun,' the Cat famously warned, 'but you have to know how.' This movie... is a remarkably thorough demonstration of how not to... A squad of frantic screenwriters throw in disparate elements out of sheer laziness, concocting a gruelling, chaotic stew of forced whimsy that utterly lacks imaginative integrity or visual spark... I am tempted to say that this Cat should be tied up in a sack and drowned, but I wouldn't want to condone cruelty to animals, even metaphorically. Cruelty to classic works of children's literature is bad enough."
AO Scott, New York Times

"The Cat in the Hat comes scarily close to being the most unendurable Hollywood creation of the last dozen years... The jokes, even the shit-dick-puke-balls bits aimed at titillating teens, are mortifyingly witless... Thanks to [director Brian] Grazer's evil-genius demographic scheme, The Cat in the Hat isn't fit for preteens, and it isn't digestible to adults. Teens, it needn't be said, should have better things - drugs, humping, Matrix sequels - on which to squander their weekends."
Michael Atkinson, Village Voice

"The Gigli of Dr. Seuss movies."
Gary Thompson, Philadelphia Daily News