7:32 PM: 5 Things that just aren't cool.

1. Being Happy

If you're really truly happy in life, then you suck. Life isn't supposed to be great, because god hates us. What the fuck are you so happy about anyways? Meet a nice boy/girl? Well, put this in perspective: That nice boy/girl is most likely fucking your best friend, and if they aren't, then they probably want to. Also, you've got 70 more years on this earth, tops. You've wasted several of your most productive years learning about Hitler, amino acids, contraceptives, and The Scarlet Letter. Plus, if you're a guy, you hit your sexual peak at the age of 18...then it's all downhill from there. Great, just great...

2. Being Depressed

Oh, boo hoo...what, just found out that boy/girl mentioned before actually IS fucking your best friend? getting shitty grades in school? think your parents don't understand you? want to slit your wrists "just to FEEL?" that girl you like sees you for the poor ugly dumbass you are? I've got five words, dickwad: Eat shit, you fucking pussy. Noone gives a shit about your problems. Make your own blog about how your friend's neighbor's dog died, and how it affected your tolerance for getting ass-pound by 8 inches of man parts. You're a fucking loser, and will always be a fucking loser, so just end yourself as soon as possible. Bitch.

3. Smoking

I know a bunch of you smoke, and I still can't figure out why. You think it makes you look "cool?" It doesn't. MILES smokes, for chrissakes...you're in very elite company indeed. On the other end, Mr. T has never smoked in his life. Think it'll help you "fit in?" I don't smoke cigarettes ever, I can't even look at them without feeling nautious, yet I seem to fit in with other, smoking people just fine. MILES SMOKES. Can I make this any clearer? Think smoking won't fuck you up? Let me give you some made up statistics for you to contemplate before you think about smoking that next cigarette (or "cig," as they're called on the streets): 99.6% of people smoke die within 90 years of taking their first puff. Every time you smoke a cigarette, you lose 6 years of your life. Everytime you even think about smoking one, you lose 1 1/2. Think about that the next time you're about to light up...

4. Liking Relient K

Not only is this band an excrutiating generic blend of punk-pop and regular pop, but they're a fucking contemporary christian band. Can you think of one christian band that's worth listening to? Didn't think so.

A sample Relient K lyric:
"It's 3 a.m." she said, "Who are you, Matchbox 20?"
She said, "Are you getting rest?"
Sarcastic, I said "Plenty"
"Don't be a hypocrit."
I asked "What are you saying?"
When you praise God, do you meant it?
Are you sleeping when you're praying?

Woah oh oh, Woah oh oh
so wreckless for all these years
Woah oh oh, Woah oh oh
I crash into a wall
Woah oh oh, Woah oh oh
There's a ringing in my ears
and it's my wake up call
God gave me a wake up call
Take this world with a grain of salt
Jesus gave me a wake up call

I swear to god, I didn't make any of that shit up. Those are actual lyrics to one of their (more popular, I might add) songs. What the FUCK are you listening to these guys for? Good Charlotte is more respectable than this band...

5. Mittens

I found some mittens in my closet today. I put them on...did I feel warmer? HELL NO. The idea for mittens is stupid: "hey, why don't we make thicker gloves, and market them to dumbasses who can't handle the cold in just gloves?" They are usually made of cotton, and aren't water resistant, meaning that if you get snowed/rained on, you're screwed. Plus, wearing mittens make you look like a slut if you're a girl, and a mama's-bitch if you're a guy. Plus, the idea of mittens just pisses me off. Buy a heater and stay inside, idiots.

Do they look cool to you? (*This isn't a trick question)