11:46 PM: It's that time of month again...journalism time!

Every year is the worst Christmas ever (an editorial)
Matthew Parten
Staff Writer

Christmas stinks. It stinks more than any other holiday. Even Arbor Day. What is Christmas all about, you ask? I’ll tell you: Religious oppression, unwanted family members sleeping in YOUR bed in YOUR room, and corny everything 24/7 for an entire month. No matter how hard you try to justify Christmas, you just can’t make it worthwhile in my eyes. When Jesus was born (in April...or something), do you think he wanted there to be a day consisting of drunkenness, extended-family fist fights, and the glamorization of gluttony (A week before the most sinful holiday of the year, New Years Eve, no less) to commemorate his birth?
Christmas is also a month long reminder to poor people that they are, in fact, really, really poor. Right after they think that the constant bickering, hunger, and slumming for a decent meal that is Thanksgiving is over, they are subjected to the humiliation of not being able to afford gifts for their families at Christmastime. What kind of celebration is this?
Another thing: Why is Christmas “the big one” when it comes to winter holidays? Why can’t Chanukah, or even Kwanza, be the “big” holiday for once? The Jewish people are a small but great one, and they really do deserve their time in the sun. Ditto for black people.
Also, if you’re in jail, Christmas is the worst time of the year. Your family is out having fun, singing carols, and drinking egg nog on Christmas Eve, and you’re stuck with Bubbatavious for the entirety of the long, cold night. Do you actually think they have Christmas trees in jail? Think again. Maybe a lot of freshly printed Christmas-themed license plates, but not a Christmas tree. The most they can hope for is turkey on Christmas day, and possibly, some strawberry jell-o...that’s not a lot to look forward to once a year when you’re being lovably roughed up night after night by all manner of roustabouts.
So, what makes Christmas so special? Well, apparently, racism, misplaced aggression, and the mocking of the less fortunate.
As for myself, I’m going to be celebrating Kwazukah this year...who’s with me?