8:19 PM: My Uncle Rudolph

By Rollie Harris
Guest contributor to the Tard.

My uncle Rudolph

My uncle Rudolph has red hair.
My uncle Rudolph is noted for his flamboyant flair.
My uncle Rudolph lost his vision in a silly dare.
My uncle Rudolph doesn’t care.

My uncle Rudolph is clinically insane.
But, Uncle Rudolph is very humane.
If he starts to spew please don’t complain.
Just get out of the way, the vomit will stain.

My uncle Rudolph has been arrested nine times.
Rudolph has a habit of passionate crimes.
Mixing acid and lime.
To blow up an ATM for a few dimes.

My uncle Rudolph weighs three hundred pounds.
Through the meadows and fields he bounds.
Through the mountain tops his bass voice sounds.
“Bartender I want another round!”

Some say that Rudolph drinks way too much.
But the smell keeps his critics away from his hutch.
Sometimes he yells and beats me and such.
Did I mention that Rudolph was Dutch?

Ol’ Rudolph gave me a black eye.
He thought I was a communist spy.
He threw me into the pig sty.
I love my uncle, I’ll never lie.