10:40 PM: More journalism fun.

You've waited for it* for days, and now it's here: my scathing examination of the male gender. It's not meant to be taken entirely seriously, but I think I bring to light a few good points, even if I'm being incredibly unfair to guys in relation to stereotyping:

Why are boys so evil?
Matthew Parten
Staff Writer

“The 10mm Colt sidearm might not be an ideal long-distance weapon, and it's certainly no sniper's rifle, but it has the advantages of low weight and quicker target acquisition. You can reliably engage aggressors at ranges of 30 meters and more. Use a two-handed grip and brace the barrel against a tree, or use your dive tanks and rebreather as an improvised bench rest. Don't worry about "stopping power": One of those 10mm slugs opens up to about 70 caliber when it hits, leaving an exit wound you could toss a cat through, and bringing so much energy to a target that a hit in the extremities is often enough to drop Ian in his tracks.”
If you are a girl, you probably have no idea what the above quote just said, and don’t care if you ever know. If you’re a guy, you probably understand somewhat, and are at least a bit intrigued. Reactions to weapons and violence are just one way boys and girls differ, and empirical evidence as to why boys are evil.
Before you even think about pigeonholing boys as evil, you must realize something: everyone is evil. Everyone. Sure, Hitler was evil, but so was Churchill. Dracula gets a lot of attention for his evilness, but that doesn’t mean lesser known people like Elanor Roosevelt aren’t. Some people may be more evil than others, but in the end, noone escapes the grasp of evilness. Show me a man, woman, or child who doesn’t hide some evilness in their heart, and I’ll show you a mannequin. The world would be boring without evilness. If everyone was nice, there’d be no “The Daily Show,” hip-hop, or professional wrestling. If every album was like “In the Zone” by Britney Spears, you’d never get to hear great bands like NIN, Turbonegro, Black Sabbath, or Jane’s Addiction. Evildoing is not something that we pride ourselves in, but it is one of our main sources of entertainment. When it comes down to it, seeing someone get made fun of (i.e. American Idol) is a lot more fun than watching someone being complimented or emotionally uplifted (i.e. the PAX network, Oprah).
This brings me to my point: Boys, even more so than girls, thrive on attention, no matter how negative said attention may be. If someone dares an average guy to take a crap in the school-bathroom sink, and there’s a chance of more than ten people knowing they did it, they’d probably drop their slacks right then and there. Boys are, above all, idiots. There’s a reason girls go farther than boys in life most of the time: they work harder, are usually smarter, and care more about the important things in life than boys. Sure, girls may be some of the most annoying, emotionally unstable, infuriating people on this planet, but they sure know how to get places in life. Maybe if everything wasn’t handed to us (males) on a silver platter, we would be more accomplished than girls. Probably so, because males are naturally superior to females. It may seem unfair, but it’s a fact of life. It says so in every holy book ever written, has been the norm for eons, and will likely never change.
Another reason boys are evil is because many boys feel compelled to hurt others for many unexplainable reasons, the most probable being to climb higher on the ladder of popularity. For some unknown reason, boys are naturally enthusiastic about violence. Just take another look at the quote at the beginning of this article. It’s an excerpt out of Gamepro Magazine, a videogames periodical aimed at teenagers. Guys are just naturally aggressive. Most of the time, our aggression and sadistic intentions are alleviated via yelling, hitting the proverbial pillow, playing videogames, or hiking. Sometimes, though, that isn’t enough. The best way many males can think of to end an argument is through fist fighting. It has nothing to do with who’s wrong or right, but who’s physically stronger, tougher, and faster. Girls, on the other hand, end their arguments verbally, after days and days of beating around the bush. A girl who’s been dissed on is much more likely to forgive another girl than a guy who was just given two broken ribs and a black eye by their best friend for standing by his opinion that glue still came from cows (“there’s one right on the bottle”).
Toughness is the male equivalent of females being obsessed with attractiveness. If a guy isn’t seen as tough, it makes him a loser in some circles. This enrages many boys. If they weren’t evil though, they’d suppress it. This is the reason for many infamous males, such as Osama Bin Laden, Bobcat Goldwaith, and Richard Simmons.
I won’t even go into male’s insecurities over how big everything they own is. Noone needs to hear about your new semi-automatic shotgun powered by a Hemi with three mimes trapped inside. Some girls may care about that, but those girls would be just as impressed if you told them you’ve paid off your trailer, managed to get a new part-time job at Texaco, or killed eight twelve point deer in one day.
I hope you’ve learned something in this article. If you haven’t, then I’ll sum it up for you right now: Boys are naturally aggressive, violent, and insecure. This is a volatile recipe for evil. Girls, keep that in mind the next time that seemingly nice guy asks you out on a date. Truth is, he’s probably a murderer, drug dealer, or thief. It’s a good thing girls are just as evil, or the world would have exploded by now. The word exploded is quite an interesting term to use in this article, because the atom bomb was built by an all male research and development team, and dropped by a man. E. V. I. L.

*You applying only to Britney Price, Mr. John Pennissi, and Lindsey Enebak. Sorry it's late...