6:30 PM: I am the all knowing Matthew

It's time for a change of pace here at The Tard. I've been operating this site for months, and really haven't done anything to help out you guys, the Tarded community. I want to change that. Ask me any question, in the comments section, and I'll answer it for you in a swift manner. One catch: If you post a question anonymously, I will not answer the question, and delete it. I want to know who I'm helping. Ask advice, my opinion, have me settle an argument for you, anything.

So, go to the comments, and ask away!

(and don't forget to put your name in your post)


1. What are your views on Michael Moore?
-Caroline White

Well, Caroline, Michael Moore may be an ultra-liberal, he may be fat and disgusting (just ask Mike Hubbard), and he may be a prick, but he gets the job done. His documentaries and books usually hit their mark pretty accurately. He also knows how to sell himself and his views well, and has gained the support of many first and second time voters, something John Kerry is probably very happy about, though he won't admit it. While he isn't necessarily helping make the country a better place, he's not doing anything illegal or wrong either...he's just using his first amendment rights a little more than most people do. He's also doing a great job of exposing the corruption of the Bush administration and the truth behind the war in Iraq. Sometimes people focus too much on the person, and not enough on the message. I think that is what is happening with Michael Moore and Fahrenheit 9/11.

2. How do you feel about a woman as president in the future?
-Elise D.

I think it's a great idea. Actually, even if it's not a great idea, it's still worth a try. Women and minorities have been completely shut out of the White House since America was born. This has severely limited us as a country. How can we be seen as progressive when we aren't even willing to elect someone other than a middle aged white male as our commander in chief? It's inexcusable that we haven't had a woman or minority in office yet...how do we know that a black male or a US born Asian-American woman wouldn't make a better president? We don't, and it doesn't look like we will for a while. The longer we go without a woman or minority president, the less seriously our country will be taken. I think we need a female Vice President first though, to set the precedent. Unless something unexpected happens, I don't see a woman becoming President in the next 20 years, to be honest with you.

3. Do you think that candidates intentionally lie when running for election or reelection simply to piss people off with the whole democratic process, and thus have a smaller and smaller voter turnout until eventually no one votes and Washington fat cats can just ass rape anyone they want?
-Rivers Langley

I don't think so. Politicians are seriously corrupt, but I think even they deserve more credit than you're giving them. They do lie a lot of the time, but that's to try and put their party in power, and keep it that way. They may (and sometimes do) cause side-effects like the ones you mentioned, but it's just part of what politics have become these days. I seriously doubt there's a left wing/right wing joint conspiracy going on. There's no way they could get along together long enough to pull something of that magnitude off.

4. Alright, this is a multi-layered question. Here's the scenario: You are given the opportunity to attend any concert, performance, etc. by any artist from any point in history. However, there's a catch, in order to get to the show you either have to either take a white-hot iron to the face for five seconds, or suckle on a crackhead's wang until he...um gets to where he's going. Which one would you choose? Would you do it at all? What show would you go see?
-Rivers Langley

This is a simple question. The burn from taking a white hot iron in the face for 5 seconds would go away, but the shame of performing oral sex on a crackhead would stay with me forever. I'll take the white hot iron to the face for a chance to see last year's (2003) Glastonbury music festival. I know I should say 'Jimi Hendrix at Woodstock' or 'Led Zeppelin on the Houses of the Holy tour,' but if I was given the opportunity to see any musical performance/festival I want, it'd definitely be Glastonbury 2003. It will probably go down as one of the great music festivals of all time, and for good reason...take a look at the list of artists that performed at last year's festival:

De La Soul
Echo & the Bunnymen
Flaming Lips
The Polyphonic Spree
Manic Street Preachers
Super Furry Animals
The Darkness

5. Is there life after death?
-Trent Kinnucan

Yes. Your brain keeps working for 6-12 minutes after the rest of your body shuts down.

6. Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?

Well, a black man in his mid-20's who 'fit an eye-witness description' was arrested and charged with stealing the cookie from the cookie jar, but the truth is, there never was a cookie. The lengths our government will go to keep the black man down...and for what?

7. What would I have to do to get 20 dollars from you?

If I ever contracted some contagious, deadly, incurable disease, I would give you $20 to let me contaminate you with it.

8. Are you going to answer my questions?

See questions 5-7.

9. What's the deal with Trent?

His dad doesn't love him. He's easily one of the 3 most annoying people I know. His sense of humor consists of saying random things to get attention and running around and moving constantly to draw attention away from his 4' boyish frame.

10. What's your deepest, darkest piece of knowledge?

I don't have a deepest, darkest piece of knowledge.

What's the best scene in Seabiscuit.

When Tobey tells Jeff Bridges that he's blind. That was a good scene.

11. Are you lonely?


12.Who's cooler: Trent Kinnucan or Matthew Parten?

I'd say Matthew Parten, but i'm biased.

13. Remember that time you said we had the same sense of humor?

Yes. I was wrong, or you've changed. Becuase you aren't funny anymore.

14. Did you know that hitting refresh causes your comment to appear immediately?

I do now.

15. To what extent does reciprocity of political favors keep the mechanism of Congress functioning?

Everyone knows that congress is an old boys club. Political favors will always be given and taken, and corruption will continue to thrive as long as senators and representatives are allowed to serve so many consecutive terms. That being said, it's not always bad. I am not in congress, so I really couldn't go into too much detail about the favors that are exchanged there, but it seems like some bills couldn't get through without a few favors, in the form of votes or influence, being given.

16. What should I do with my old Kroger Plus card?

Put it down, then pick up a razor and slit your wrists. Please die soon.