8:50 PM: How to fuck a white girl, according to Jonathan Fluellen Pink*

So, while at out at Madison Jones' farm, I had a discussion with my new best friend, Jonathan Pink. He was talking about fucking white girls, and I asked for a few pointers as to how to obtain said white girl vagina. Here's what he had to say:

Ok, first, pick out a kind of lonely, cute girl. Like Jennifer Garner in this picture:

Start talking to her about the unlawful war on terrorism, civil liberties, or whatever bullshit you can think of, call her every night, call her every morning before school, make her feel special, and start feeling good about herself. Compliment her a lot, and make her think you're falling in love with her. It should look like this:

Then, a week later, tell her you're going to fuck her. No idle chatter beforehand of any segue whatsoever, just drop the news as soon as she picks up the phone:


"Bitch, we gon fuck tonight. Meet me at the holiday in at 9."


Now that that's settled, all that is left to do is wait for the big day. Money isn't a problem, since she's going ot pay for the room and champagne.

Arrive at 9:15, 15 minutes late, when she's wondering whether you're going to show up or not, and don't say a word. Point at the counter, let her pay for the room, and go directly to the room. Tap that ass a little on the way up.

Once in the hotel room, stand around. Eventually she'll figure out why you're standing up, and get on her knees. Once that's over, flip her on her back and have your way. If she has done her womanly duties, you should have some snack foods lying around to keep your energy and stamina up during the exhilarating journey that is sex with a white girl.

After you're done, put your pants back on, leave, and change your cell phone number the next day.

It's as easy as 1, 2, 3, 4. If you're Jonathan Pink.

*Surprisingly enough, this is actually a true story, minus a few minor details.