7:28 PM: I rented "Gigli" today

For any other curious people that wanted to see just how bad it really is, well...depending on how you looked at it this past summer, you won't be let down. It's so bad, it's good.

I got exactly what I expected: awkward moments that were supposed to be funny in a "haha this is great!" way, and not a "el oh el this sux0rz" way.

The best part about "Gigli" is that you don't have to be Ebert or his dead partner to point out all the faults that made this movie bad. It's really a series of bad decisions.

Bad Decisions Made by the Producers of "Gigli":

1) Horrible casting. Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez were average, but why the fuck was Louis such a dork? Lewis is Gigli's mob underling boss. He's a typical mob peon, but I can't figure out just what it is that makes him eat al fresco in every scene that he is. I find that a lot of this movie is left to the imagination, but I'll explain that later. The biggest problem with Louis is that he's an annoying, pudgy white man that looks like a software engineer, not a mob peon. He says "fuck" a LOT and he's not intimidating. He's like one of those eight-year-old cousins at a family reunion that tries to impress you by saying "boob," but trips over a rock and scapes his knee and starts crying. What the hell was the casting department thinking?

2) The dialogue sucks. This kind of ties in with Louis saying "fuck," even when it's out of context. The movie opens up with Ben Affleck talking to a man and telling him that, what, 80% of the body is moisture. And if you take that 80% away, you've got, like, I dunno, 40 lbs. of something like beef jerky and bone. The dialogue is so bad that I sometimes think I'm not only embarassed by watching it, but the actors on screen are embarassed by saying it. The writer tries to be clever in a Tarantino kind of way where the characters have disputes over the little things (for example, the merits of the penis and vagina), but the conversations are so awkward and un-funny that me and my brother had to make it funny by saying stupid shit like, "LOOK AT THE GI!!!11 EL OH EL!" Jennifer Lopez is supposed to be some sort of modern-day ninja or something by being uber-calm and smart all the time, but whenever she says something I'm like, "Bitch please show us your tits and shut up." The writer just throws it so many proverbs and metaphors that the movie loses it's way a lot (more on that later).

3) A lot of this movie is left up to the imagination. About 90% of the time Louis is on screen, he's eating al fresco or is walking around the same sidewalk that he usually eats on, so I just assumed that Louis either owns the restaurant Christopher Walken's only scene in the movie was so fast and boring that I missed a good chunk of plot development since I couldn't pay attention. So, up until the part where Al Pacino shoots Louis*SPOILER*, I had to make up why Gigli and "Ricki" (Jennifer Lopez's assumed name in this movie) are toting a retard named Brian around.

4) The movie doesn't know what the hell is going on either. My brother pointed out that he couldn't categorize the movie because it wasn't a typical Mafia movie, but it also wasn't really a comedy. I said it was a gimpy coming-of-age flick like "Stand By Me," since Gigli learns a lot from Ricki and comes out a better person for it. But deep in my heart, I know that it's just not true. Scenes that show Gigli as a "loveable oaf" archetype make me think of the movie as a comedy, but the scene where Louis gets his brains blown out and a fish eats a chunk of his brain*SPOILER* makes me think of this movie as a tasteless, failed mob flick.

5) A lot of laughs are intended for dipshits that think a white retard dancing to a rap song and saying, "WAANA GIVE A...SHOUT OUT TO MY MAN LARRY," is funny. It's not.

In short, if you were curious to see just how bad this movie is, then go rent it. You won't be disappointed.